To be happy? Or not to be?

Third day of semester two and what can i say? I'm already falling behind.

Read my previous blog updates and i realise that my mood is erm, up and down. Bipolar sibo? I swear one blog is emo, another is happy wtf. Anyway, i dont know what i am blogging about today but i just saw a few things on twitter and just have some personal thoughts bah.

So timothy tiah just updated his blog on how to be happy, and i think people need to read it and learn, that includes me. I honestly think that being happy is really not an easy task, and there is so many things to worry about. Especially in singapore, where u have to worry so much about studies, future and there is just so fucking much presure. Sometimes, i really buay tahan and wah, i really dont want to think about being happy and all those crap because whats the point actually? In the end some stuff will confirm happen and then unhappy again lo. -.- So much effort to be happy and even if it was true happiness, it would probably last for awhile? And if i have a glum face everyday, i hate it when people ask me what happen and those shit, should anyone get what i mean. So i keep telling myself and the people around me to be happy, and i always say "if u want to be happy, u will and u can be happy." WTF. This is not going to happen. Yes i can say that, but i think its probably only going to happen for like awhile? And then, no more that happy feel already. Wtf i sound so emotional. Ok lah on a lighter note, i am trying to be more joyful nowadays, no matter how drained i am. 😂😂😂

I think school is seriously such a fucking spoiler -.- During the holidays i actually have stuffs to say to szb during the day, but now? I feel that sometimes she dont even seem to want to talk to me at all. Okay maybe i am over sensitive? (Probably am) But i cant help it mah, talking to each other is like a habit alr, and suddenly when she isnt there, i feel so weird, like either i feel bad or emtpy and lonely. Depressing stuffs 😂 I swear i run a bipolar blog.

I shall not go on furthur into emotional issues! Today was such a tiring day, and so so so much motherfucking homework to do 😤 I am in need of a middle finger emoji now. I sometimes feel like throwing my phone away, and then just not bother replying anyone. So mean, but well thats just for me. 😂

Ok thats all my ranting for today!

I dont know what title to put

Kinda happy about my new blog skin and archive mhmmmm. 😀
Had a great day out today at ECP with the netballers, but ends up only sec fours were bonding and not the whole team :( i honestly do feel bad about the whole situation, cos we all do our own things, and the rest of our juniors were barbequeing for us, and seriously some of the sec fours dont even want to do some fun stuffs with the juniors, saying how we go there for fun and this whole outing is only for the sec ones to threes to bond -.- i think we pissed off some of the juniors because maybe they feel that this outing is for us? Idk. And now i think szb is not really happy, but obviously she doesnt admit it.
Recently, i even quarrelled with her. Its like inevitable, and we have too many problems that both of us refuse to overcome and bring up. Sadly. But then if we do, i dont know what will become of us. I really dont want to lose such a great friend, although we are really awkward around each other when others are around, but really, when its just the two of us, i super love it, cos we talked so much and ahhh, it was just really 二人世界 ☺ hahahahaha how i missed it :(
I hate how we quarrel about the smallest things though. Its like, ugh, we think differently and even our 处置方式不同. But i think if one day she stumbles upon my blog, i hope my szb knows that i really care about her and that i love her too ;-) i am not a lesbian though, really straight here.

Flashbacks

Recently have not been getting along well with my friends. Haiz idk. Then my mood just keeps getting good and bad, so bipolar. And im affecting everyone with my mood. Also, i keep getting these super naive thoughts, like those jealousy shit i mentioned in the last post. Wah, i buay tahan already. Cannot take all these nonsense. Guess the only way i can rant abt it and get it off my chest is to do a post about since noone is probably gonna read it HAHAHAHA.

I guess after i met my szb, i have been getting soooo, i dont really know. Like i finally got to talk to her every single day, and it sort of took away that empty part of me after some shit happened. Like i was so glad i met a friend like her, and she even returned the the enthusiasm. (I am strictly not les) Enthusiasm meaning like she would text me everyday, and not those kinda texts that are just for fun, like out of boredom kind. It wasnt pressured texting, but it felt good that someone was willing to spend time to hear me rant, and even bothered to listen me crap about my shit. Its like, wts, i had a text buddy who was there. And although we are a little awkward in real life, i guess i still love her as much. (no i am really not a les) Wah but i cant take it sometimes when i see others get so close to her. this thought is so fucking childish, what the hell man, my best friend deserves some space, but you know, i guess my friendship for her is too overwhelming. I sound like i love her sexually, but i swear, i dont. I guess i just never had or felt this close to someone of the same gender. And it made me miss L even more, since i made L left and szb came in to fill up that hole in my heart, so probably thats why i feel so attached bah. But i dont think i can ever tell that to anyone, because people will just judge and label me as something i dont even want to know. I cant even bring myself to tell szb, because i dont think she understands as well.

Then today, we quarrelled again. And it ta been happening so frequently. I guess we are just worlds apart. And when j see her talk to me about something S was talking to her about, i just immediately feel annoyed, like 'NO I DONT WANNA KNOW WHAT U GUYS TALK ABOUT'. I am fucking childish and stupid. Thats because i feel that they have so much in common, in terms of thinking and understanding, and they never quarrel, so it makes me feel that we are seriously worlds apart, something which i refuse to admit in the past. But what can i say? If its true, its true. I dont know what to feel anymore, like, the hole is slowly getting bigger. And i dont know what can mend it.

So dramatic, but i never knew i would have this day to feel empty. Just now i got reminded by szb when she texted me and told me that T had said that i was extremely nice when i was secondary one. When i read the message, i fucking wanted to cry and break down, because i could feel the difference now. I am not nice anymore. Never in my life i had wanted to change this much, but i did eventually, and this broke my heart. HASHTAG DRAMA. WTF IT REALLY FEELS LIKE A DRAMA. Sometimes i want to cry and lock myself in the room and just cry, but i cant, because i dont want anyone to see me do that. I really used to be nice to everyone, but now i just have that 'meh' attitude. No, i dont want to fucking change, this isnt what i was aiming for. In primary school i cant wait to move on to secondary school and start afresh, now i cant wait to move on from secondary school. Although i do wish some friends can continue staying by my side. Moving on, starting afresh, and then having all these flashbacks. I guess its feels better then feeling all these things right now and in reality.

Wah i hope i can take back some of the things i did or said in the past, because i truly regret it. Like i miss L sometimes, and if i thought about it carefully, i wouldnt have let L go. Also, if i wasnt that nice last time, i guess i should have kept my stand and not accept R over and over again. I feel so stupid, not knowing whats best for myself and always putting others first. But thats my nature bah.

Hope i can resolve issues soon, and i really dont want to screw things up again. DRAMA IS OVER. WTF HAHAHAHA.