Flashbacks

Recently have not been getting along well with my friends. Haiz idk. Then my mood just keeps getting good and bad, so bipolar. And im affecting everyone with my mood. Also, i keep getting these super naive thoughts, like those jealousy shit i mentioned in the last post. Wah, i buay tahan already. Cannot take all these nonsense. Guess the only way i can rant abt it and get it off my chest is to do a post about since noone is probably gonna read it HAHAHAHA.

I guess after i met my szb, i have been getting soooo, i dont really know. Like i finally got to talk to her every single day, and it sort of took away that empty part of me after some shit happened. Like i was so glad i met a friend like her, and she even returned the the enthusiasm. (I am strictly not les) Enthusiasm meaning like she would text me everyday, and not those kinda texts that are just for fun, like out of boredom kind. It wasnt pressured texting, but it felt good that someone was willing to spend time to hear me rant, and even bothered to listen me crap about my shit. Its like, wts, i had a text buddy who was there. And although we are a little awkward in real life, i guess i still love her as much. (no i am really not a les) Wah but i cant take it sometimes when i see others get so close to her. this thought is so fucking childish, what the hell man, my best friend deserves some space, but you know, i guess my friendship for her is too overwhelming. I sound like i love her sexually, but i swear, i dont. I guess i just never had or felt this close to someone of the same gender. And it made me miss L even more, since i made L left and szb came in to fill up that hole in my heart, so probably thats why i feel so attached bah. But i dont think i can ever tell that to anyone, because people will just judge and label me as something i dont even want to know. I cant even bring myself to tell szb, because i dont think she understands as well.

Then today, we quarrelled again. And it ta been happening so frequently. I guess we are just worlds apart. And when j see her talk to me about something S was talking to her about, i just immediately feel annoyed, like 'NO I DONT WANNA KNOW WHAT U GUYS TALK ABOUT'. I am fucking childish and stupid. Thats because i feel that they have so much in common, in terms of thinking and understanding, and they never quarrel, so it makes me feel that we are seriously worlds apart, something which i refuse to admit in the past. But what can i say? If its true, its true. I dont know what to feel anymore, like, the hole is slowly getting bigger. And i dont know what can mend it.

So dramatic, but i never knew i would have this day to feel empty. Just now i got reminded by szb when she texted me and told me that T had said that i was extremely nice when i was secondary one. When i read the message, i fucking wanted to cry and break down, because i could feel the difference now. I am not nice anymore. Never in my life i had wanted to change this much, but i did eventually, and this broke my heart. HASHTAG DRAMA. WTF IT REALLY FEELS LIKE A DRAMA. Sometimes i want to cry and lock myself in the room and just cry, but i cant, because i dont want anyone to see me do that. I really used to be nice to everyone, but now i just have that 'meh' attitude. No, i dont want to fucking change, this isnt what i was aiming for. In primary school i cant wait to move on to secondary school and start afresh, now i cant wait to move on from secondary school. Although i do wish some friends can continue staying by my side. Moving on, starting afresh, and then having all these flashbacks. I guess its feels better then feeling all these things right now and in reality.

Wah i hope i can take back some of the things i did or said in the past, because i truly regret it. Like i miss L sometimes, and if i thought about it carefully, i wouldnt have let L go. Also, if i wasnt that nice last time, i guess i should have kept my stand and not accept R over and over again. I feel so stupid, not knowing whats best for myself and always putting others first. But thats my nature bah.

Hope i can resolve issues soon, and i really dont want to screw things up again. DRAMA IS OVER. WTF HAHAHAHA.