Sometimes, be careful about the people around you.

HOmg school was so boring and sian but what to do, my results not good mah, so must concentrate like 100% so that i wont drop marks in CA :-(

Recently, i have been thinking and worrying, and its like becoming my nature. I feel more and more unsure about my friends and even more unsure about my own life (personality). I scared im becoming some bitch and i really dont want that to  happen. Had a really good chat with C the other day, and i found out the struggles that she had, and it was like similar to mine. But abit different uh. I was shock, and found that about some things about my "friends". Not that i want to badmouth them, but it was something that i should know and be wary about. Never did i expect people to be so vicious and scary, and i really cant believe it. Its like "they are my friends! surely they wont turn out to be bad...right?" But nah, as usual, im wrong. I really wanna help my friends who are slowly changing attitudes and character, but who am i to do that? And someone said i should worry about myself first. True, i can feel myself change since sec three, and honestly i dont put the blame on my friends, but its just i dont want to change. Even the people close to me sometimes show me that "face", or even tell me, and that made me sure that i was changing. And it wasnt a really pleasant change. So, for the sake of myself and my friends, i tried to change and watch my behaviour. I dont know if its working though, but im trying. Although i know noone will prolly read this blog post, but if miraculously someone did, i hope they know that i am really trying.

I do have friends that keep me grounded, and i am really so grateful towards them. I hope we will be soulmates (girl girl Also can soulmate also right? I am straight.) Soulmates need not refer to someone of opposite gender uh, but soulmates to me are people who stick around for  life, who grow up with me, who stick up for me, who watch each other get married, through thick and thin always there for each other etc. So i am very thankful.

On the other hand, some people i really dont understand. Why they so fake sia, like they pretend to be nice to u but they secretly wanna take away all your friends?! Wah i sound so childish and naive, like full of jealousy and a primary school kid. But really, some people are this childish. Sometimes i see the people around me slowly changing into like some asshole or bitch, and i feel so sorry for them. Not that im mean, but haish, if anyone feels me.

Someone told me i care too much about my friends and i neglect myself. But what can i say? I guess 我就是这样. Sometimes i feel so disgusted at myself? Because although noone really tell me, but i can tell from my friend's faces that they think im sometimes trying too hard to get friends? They dont need to tell me, but i guess i can tell. Some small things they say or do they dont think i know, but i know that it was directed to me and this issue. I think im trying too hard sometimes and for a period of time, i could actually feel myself changing into a person that i hate the most, like bitchy and like to gossip. I was really afraid i wouldnt be able to change back, and afriad i will lose all my friends. Thanks to my szb, i guess she reminded me about the "bad" friends i had, so not so bad, im trying to change. Hopefully still can salvage!

Wow i feel good after sharing all these with C and szb, like thank god i made right choices about some friends. Maybe im not such a fail afterall HEHEHEHE

PS: I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS SO DONT BE A BITCH IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND. TEEHEE.

To be...or not to be?

Pardon the lame title. Its just, i've been feeling more and more drawn towards Christianity, and yesterday, the topic of going to church and being Christian just popped up during tuition. So, my teacher was a Christian, and we just started talking about how i might have the 'holy spirit' within me, if not i wouldn't have

been wanting to be a Christian. Technically, i am not sure what religion i was born with, but mum was a Buddhist, so technically i am buddhist (my dad can't really be bothered with the whole religious thing). But, i didnt want to be one, i just, didnt feel like a Buddhist. I didn't know there was another religion like being a Catholic or Christian, so till i was in primary school, i started to be concious about other religions, then that's when i knew i actually want to be a Christian. As i grew up, obviously i had to succumb to my surroundings and i feel more like i needed the freedom of choosing my own religion. But, my mum was like, "If u want to become a Christian, u are no daughter of mine." Yeah, it was that serious. Ridiculous, that's how i felt. I mean, we are all born to have a free will. I know parents are our elderly and we're suppose to respect them and not go agaisnt them, but really? I can't even choose what i want to believe in? URGH, RIDICULOUS. My aunts and uncle slowly converted to Christianity as well, and i keep hoping that one day, i'll be able to go to church openly and not lie behind my parents' back about my whereabouts. 

So, my tutor told me that i should not feel afraid to go to church (i always use 'not enough time' as an excuse for not going church), but really, the whole problem lies with my parents. They are just so strongly against me being a Christian. -_- But, i think i will be a Christian when im 21, when i am an adult and i can make my own decisions (FINALLY). I just enjoy going to church, even though i only visited there twice. Maybe it really is the 'holy spirit'. Being like a staunch Christian, my tutor was worried that i might stray away from the religion, but i was sure that i am going to remain a Christian. Problem is, a Christian isn't suppose to burn incense or offerings. But thats what a typical Buddhist or Taoist do. So i can't imagine that if i become a Christian, and i can't offer any thing to my relatives who've passed away, what will my parents think?! Like, i'm not a filial daughter or that i'm being rude or somthing?!! 

Still, i pray for myself and hope that i can get out of this...situation. It really is a question of to be or not to be .__. 

2014 IS COMING???!!!

WHAT i cannot even, really. 2013 flies past wayyyyyyyyyyy to quickly, and i really wish i can have some time machine and go back. Really, there are so many mistakes that i've made this year and i really want to amend them, or at least change what i had said before, then maybe i wont be thinking so much right now. UGHHHH. Yup regrets, well, we all have them right? But it really sucks bad lah, there was so many things i wish didn't happen.. 

There were happy memories of course. To name a few, the list probably goes like this: 1) My new secondary three classmates who are really cute. 2) Having to be in the best class 306 2013 ever. 3) Forming a new clique with my new found friends. 4) Struggling and cramming last minute homework with my classmates. 5) Frequent and weekly lunch outings with my new classmates to Siglap after school, gossiping non stop. 6) Hanging out with my favourite bunch of netballers. 7) Accepting and liking our team's new coach, Adda. 8) Learning that i did exceptionally okay for mid-year and end-year exams despite a last minute revision. 9) Spending time with my sandwich meridian gang during recess. 10) Attending performances like 相声 with 206 2012 and hanging out till 11pm afterwards. 11) Sam Tsui concert 2013 with Laura and Sam. 12) Going for Melissa's chinese orchestra concert with Xin Xian and Sam. 13) Going for holiday in December to Taiwan. 14) Senior's farewell party and bbq/pool party with the netballers. 15) Last but not least, managing not to gain like 5kg in the holidays, so its an accomplishment. 

Really, although these things seem very retarded to be considered great memories, i still treasure them alot. I think naming them out right now, i feel like tearing (LOL), cause i realise that i am actually lucky to have found such good friends in Temasek Sec, and i honestly don't want to graduate so quickly. Yeah, there might be people who hate me or talk behind my back (confirm plus chop) but i'm glad at least i found friendships that might actually last through my life. I really miss some of my primary school friends as well, especiailly Jamie :( we only met up like once this year.... (;_;) she's like my ultimate best friend :') UGHHHH SO MUCH FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2013 past super fast can, i still can't accept it. Its really different compared to the honeymoon sec one and two period. I don't think i'll make a new year's resolution, but i do hope everyone (like, everyone) stays safe and healthy ^.^ 

I think i'm so sentimental??!! I have never posted such a serious/formal and word-fancy post before, so here's a first. Hope i wake up soon and study harder since its the o'levels next year T_T WAKE UP KHYTHENG!!!! But i honestly doubt i can master self discipline so quickly. It takes tooooooooooooooooo much willpower. Like, i write a sentence of my homework for five seconds, and next im on my phone using tumblr, instagram, twitter... DISTRACTIONS  yes, they have to be eliminated. Soooo, cheers (jiayou, actually) to me! 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS (FOR LIKE ONE MORE WEEK)!!!! ^o^