HOmg school was so boring and sian but what to do, my results not good mah, so must concentrate like 100% so that i wont drop marks in CA :-(
Recently, i have been thinking and worrying, and its like becoming my nature. I feel more and more unsure about my friends and even more unsure about my own life (personality). I scared im becoming some bitch and i really dont want that to happen. Had a really good chat with C the other day, and i found out the struggles that she had, and it was like similar to mine. But abit different uh. I was shock, and found that about some things about my "friends". Not that i want to badmouth them, but it was something that i should know and be wary about. Never did i expect people to be so vicious and scary, and i really cant believe it. Its like "they are my friends! surely they wont turn out to be bad...right?" But nah, as usual, im wrong. I really wanna help my friends who are slowly changing attitudes and character, but who am i to do that? And someone said i should worry about myself first. True, i can feel myself change since sec three, and honestly i dont put the blame on my friends, but its just i dont want to change. Even the people close to me sometimes show me that "face", or even tell me, and that made me sure that i was changing. And it wasnt a really pleasant change. So, for the sake of myself and my friends, i tried to change and watch my behaviour. I dont know if its working though, but im trying. Although i know noone will prolly read this blog post, but if miraculously someone did, i hope they know that i am really trying.
I do have friends that keep me grounded, and i am really so grateful towards them. I hope we will be soulmates (girl girl Also can soulmate also right? I am straight.) Soulmates need not refer to someone of opposite gender uh, but soulmates to me are people who stick around for life, who grow up with me, who stick up for me, who watch each other get married, through thick and thin always there for each other etc. So i am very thankful.
On the other hand, some people i really dont understand. Why they so fake sia, like they pretend to be nice to u but they secretly wanna take away all your friends?! Wah i sound so childish and naive, like full of jealousy and a primary school kid. But really, some people are this childish. Sometimes i see the people around me slowly changing into like some asshole or bitch, and i feel so sorry for them. Not that im mean, but haish, if anyone feels me.
Someone told me i care too much about my friends and i neglect myself. But what can i say? I guess 我就是这样. Sometimes i feel so disgusted at myself? Because although noone really tell me, but i can tell from my friend's faces that they think im sometimes trying too hard to get friends? They dont need to tell me, but i guess i can tell. Some small things they say or do they dont think i know, but i know that it was directed to me and this issue. I think im trying too hard sometimes and for a period of time, i could actually feel myself changing into a person that i hate the most, like bitchy and like to gossip. I was really afraid i wouldnt be able to change back, and afriad i will lose all my friends. Thanks to my szb, i guess she reminded me about the "bad" friends i had, so not so bad, im trying to change. Hopefully still can salvage!
Wow i feel good after sharing all these with C and szb, like thank god i made right choices about some friends. Maybe im not such a fail afterall HEHEHEHE
PS: I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS SO DONT BE A BITCH IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND. TEEHEE.
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