I dont know what title to put

Kinda happy about my new blog skin and archive mhmmmm. 😀
Had a great day out today at ECP with the netballers, but ends up only sec fours were bonding and not the whole team :( i honestly do feel bad about the whole situation, cos we all do our own things, and the rest of our juniors were barbequeing for us, and seriously some of the sec fours dont even want to do some fun stuffs with the juniors, saying how we go there for fun and this whole outing is only for the sec ones to threes to bond -.- i think we pissed off some of the juniors because maybe they feel that this outing is for us? Idk. And now i think szb is not really happy, but obviously she doesnt admit it.
Recently, i even quarrelled with her. Its like inevitable, and we have too many problems that both of us refuse to overcome and bring up. Sadly. But then if we do, i dont know what will become of us. I really dont want to lose such a great friend, although we are really awkward around each other when others are around, but really, when its just the two of us, i super love it, cos we talked so much and ahhh, it was just really 二人世界 ☺ hahahahaha how i missed it :(
I hate how we quarrel about the smallest things though. Its like, ugh, we think differently and even our 处置方式不同. But i think if one day she stumbles upon my blog, i hope my szb knows that i really care about her and that i love her too ;-) i am not a lesbian though, really straight here.

Flashbacks

Recently have not been getting along well with my friends. Haiz idk. Then my mood just keeps getting good and bad, so bipolar. And im affecting everyone with my mood. Also, i keep getting these super naive thoughts, like those jealousy shit i mentioned in the last post. Wah, i buay tahan already. Cannot take all these nonsense. Guess the only way i can rant abt it and get it off my chest is to do a post about since noone is probably gonna read it HAHAHAHA.

I guess after i met my szb, i have been getting soooo, i dont really know. Like i finally got to talk to her every single day, and it sort of took away that empty part of me after some shit happened. Like i was so glad i met a friend like her, and she even returned the the enthusiasm. (I am strictly not les) Enthusiasm meaning like she would text me everyday, and not those kinda texts that are just for fun, like out of boredom kind. It wasnt pressured texting, but it felt good that someone was willing to spend time to hear me rant, and even bothered to listen me crap about my shit. Its like, wts, i had a text buddy who was there. And although we are a little awkward in real life, i guess i still love her as much. (no i am really not a les) Wah but i cant take it sometimes when i see others get so close to her. this thought is so fucking childish, what the hell man, my best friend deserves some space, but you know, i guess my friendship for her is too overwhelming. I sound like i love her sexually, but i swear, i dont. I guess i just never had or felt this close to someone of the same gender. And it made me miss L even more, since i made L left and szb came in to fill up that hole in my heart, so probably thats why i feel so attached bah. But i dont think i can ever tell that to anyone, because people will just judge and label me as something i dont even want to know. I cant even bring myself to tell szb, because i dont think she understands as well.

Then today, we quarrelled again. And it ta been happening so frequently. I guess we are just worlds apart. And when j see her talk to me about something S was talking to her about, i just immediately feel annoyed, like 'NO I DONT WANNA KNOW WHAT U GUYS TALK ABOUT'. I am fucking childish and stupid. Thats because i feel that they have so much in common, in terms of thinking and understanding, and they never quarrel, so it makes me feel that we are seriously worlds apart, something which i refuse to admit in the past. But what can i say? If its true, its true. I dont know what to feel anymore, like, the hole is slowly getting bigger. And i dont know what can mend it.

So dramatic, but i never knew i would have this day to feel empty. Just now i got reminded by szb when she texted me and told me that T had said that i was extremely nice when i was secondary one. When i read the message, i fucking wanted to cry and break down, because i could feel the difference now. I am not nice anymore. Never in my life i had wanted to change this much, but i did eventually, and this broke my heart. HASHTAG DRAMA. WTF IT REALLY FEELS LIKE A DRAMA. Sometimes i want to cry and lock myself in the room and just cry, but i cant, because i dont want anyone to see me do that. I really used to be nice to everyone, but now i just have that 'meh' attitude. No, i dont want to fucking change, this isnt what i was aiming for. In primary school i cant wait to move on to secondary school and start afresh, now i cant wait to move on from secondary school. Although i do wish some friends can continue staying by my side. Moving on, starting afresh, and then having all these flashbacks. I guess its feels better then feeling all these things right now and in reality.

Wah i hope i can take back some of the things i did or said in the past, because i truly regret it. Like i miss L sometimes, and if i thought about it carefully, i wouldnt have let L go. Also, if i wasnt that nice last time, i guess i should have kept my stand and not accept R over and over again. I feel so stupid, not knowing whats best for myself and always putting others first. But thats my nature bah.

Hope i can resolve issues soon, and i really dont want to screw things up again. DRAMA IS OVER. WTF HAHAHAHA.

Sometimes, be careful about the people around you.

HOmg school was so boring and sian but what to do, my results not good mah, so must concentrate like 100% so that i wont drop marks in CA :-(

Recently, i have been thinking and worrying, and its like becoming my nature. I feel more and more unsure about my friends and even more unsure about my own life (personality). I scared im becoming some bitch and i really dont want that to  happen. Had a really good chat with C the other day, and i found out the struggles that she had, and it was like similar to mine. But abit different uh. I was shock, and found that about some things about my "friends". Not that i want to badmouth them, but it was something that i should know and be wary about. Never did i expect people to be so vicious and scary, and i really cant believe it. Its like "they are my friends! surely they wont turn out to be bad...right?" But nah, as usual, im wrong. I really wanna help my friends who are slowly changing attitudes and character, but who am i to do that? And someone said i should worry about myself first. True, i can feel myself change since sec three, and honestly i dont put the blame on my friends, but its just i dont want to change. Even the people close to me sometimes show me that "face", or even tell me, and that made me sure that i was changing. And it wasnt a really pleasant change. So, for the sake of myself and my friends, i tried to change and watch my behaviour. I dont know if its working though, but im trying. Although i know noone will prolly read this blog post, but if miraculously someone did, i hope they know that i am really trying.

I do have friends that keep me grounded, and i am really so grateful towards them. I hope we will be soulmates (girl girl Also can soulmate also right? I am straight.) Soulmates need not refer to someone of opposite gender uh, but soulmates to me are people who stick around for  life, who grow up with me, who stick up for me, who watch each other get married, through thick and thin always there for each other etc. So i am very thankful.

On the other hand, some people i really dont understand. Why they so fake sia, like they pretend to be nice to u but they secretly wanna take away all your friends?! Wah i sound so childish and naive, like full of jealousy and a primary school kid. But really, some people are this childish. Sometimes i see the people around me slowly changing into like some asshole or bitch, and i feel so sorry for them. Not that im mean, but haish, if anyone feels me.

Someone told me i care too much about my friends and i neglect myself. But what can i say? I guess 我就是这样. Sometimes i feel so disgusted at myself? Because although noone really tell me, but i can tell from my friend's faces that they think im sometimes trying too hard to get friends? They dont need to tell me, but i guess i can tell. Some small things they say or do they dont think i know, but i know that it was directed to me and this issue. I think im trying too hard sometimes and for a period of time, i could actually feel myself changing into a person that i hate the most, like bitchy and like to gossip. I was really afraid i wouldnt be able to change back, and afriad i will lose all my friends. Thanks to my szb, i guess she reminded me about the "bad" friends i had, so not so bad, im trying to change. Hopefully still can salvage!

Wow i feel good after sharing all these with C and szb, like thank god i made right choices about some friends. Maybe im not such a fail afterall HEHEHEHE

PS: I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS SO DONT BE A BITCH IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND. TEEHEE.